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Paris.

I want to be happy; no more of this fucking around with my own head. This time last year was hardwood floors and bright lights and perfect balance of good friends, going out and working hard.

I've lost my best friend (for the better) and since October it's been solidarity. This year, the new season has brought long walks and sitting in the park eating sushi and listening to William Faulkner on audiotape.

Last wednesday- Paris in a daze. avenuemontaignegivenchybalenciagacolette. a daze. and then it was back home again on the same day. But something turned in my mind. Not so much a change as a sharpening of senses. The awareness of needing to lift myself to something greater.

Paris is cobblestones and wolfgang tillmans and seriousness and no compromise. I want you I want you I want you.

Perhaps for now this is good. This is necessary. The concentration of being completely immersed in work and goals. I can do this. 2 more months and then it's New York for the summer... Then Paris in October (fingers crossed!). Then graduate collection then graduation then...

Someday I would like a hint of humanity in my life to balance things out. Good laughter, gigs and dancing on sticky floors. I miss the feeling.

Falling rapidly in and out of an infatuation in one week.
Feeling lazy and stubborn- but only till tomorrow.

I need to feel my heart race and the romanceromance of being aware of my lips and my hands because I forget sometimes and I fear that I will grow cold. And sometimes I need to simply stop thinking about the one thing that I have wholeheartedly put my life into and vegetate. doing absolutely nothing. Britney Spears on youtube. masses of bad food. just simply stop thinking about churning out roughs, fretting over next year, over the next 2 years, over graduation and jobs and success ect ect ect. I want these things but running them through my head endlessly sometimes slows me down.
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Steering into extremes. Feverishly in love then nothing at all. Feverishly in love with work then nothing at all. Either or. I cannot seem to grasp a steady sense of control.

I want a breath away from all of this. The city and its extremeties. I want neither love nor work in extremeties. I need the cherry trees, the museums and solitude. Something new- in books and ideas.
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steadiness.
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21 when I return home this year. I feel that it will be good. I feel new things coming. I want new knowledge in a different kind of way. And steadiness.

yes

yes

yes

yes

yes.

everything everything.

yes.

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for the new season:eyebrows.fishermen.yohji.1998.
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some things change.
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strangers.steady friend.letting go.growing young.happiness.
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yes
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working hard.always.
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higherhigherhigher.
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constant change.
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tomorrow I will be

Audio Arts. Tate Britain. Croissant. Tea. Science of Sleep. Dinner. New friend. Home.

Tomorrow:

Dover Street. Research. New dress. Gig. Sleep.

Things are beginning to converge at a point of perfect balance.

I'm falling in love with everyone. I started listening to Camera Obscura and the YYY's again. It feels like last spring again, but this time only better.

John Cage. I love you.

In 1 hour: The plane home. big city smoke + music. Soon soon soon it's going to happen.

Richard Tuttle

The past week and a half has been spent promenading along the Smithsonian walk, lying in the grass beneath cherry blossoms, attending lectures and falling in love with good cinema and bad television.
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.On Friday I fly to Chicago, so it will be a vacation within a vacation for a few days. There is so much happening- The Willowz, The Black Lips and Sondre Lerche are all playing on the same night. I I couldn't be more content.
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On my mind and around me,
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.rain macs and shoulder pads (!)
.Arte Povera
.John Cage
.medium format cameras
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.The other day I met someone I really liked.

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I got my passport back which means I get to travel! Copenhagen and meeting up with old friends is in the cards for February. And maybe later...Paris??? Then it's back to Arlington for spring break- I am freakishly excited.

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I think this year, I'm going to climb mountains.

Everyone is going home for Christmas. But I will be the sad fucker who stays behind. I'm trying to find an internship. My ex tutor recommended me to talk to a friend of his who may be able to get me something at Roksanda Illinic. *fingers crossed* God I really hope something comes together- I always feel that things have a delayed reaction of catching up with me. I've been feeling the impact of some questionable decisions I made earlier this year. I'm hoping that in a few months time, all the hard work I'm doing now will pay off.

Other than that it's been the same dirge- working in the squalor of a 500 pound/month room in central. working hard. there are pictures to post. Fashion projects, sketchbooks, garments.

Things I like right now:

Bauhaus

Mayakovsky

Frank Stella

squares of color

Margiela's asymmetry

I NEED TO KEEP WORKING HARD. But it never feels like enough. I have to I have to. I want to be exceptional.

I want the scale to tip to tip the scale. I am at the threshold between two possible futures. It's a matter of faith or weakness.

Christian Wijnants

and of course, Margiela

Current Location:	the earth, china, zhenghai, an apartment, a room, a desk
Current Mood:	35898210abd341
Current Music:	Nathan Johnson for "Brick"

a sheath of lace on a backless number

and a curtain of heavy fringe swung before my eyes........................

Je voudrais..........je voudrais...................................................

piano, guitar, synth, mixers, sewing machine, pen, paper, brushes............................

In an age of fragmented specialisms, we often fail to see that everything is connected and mutually fuctive.

I'm going to do it.

Current Mood:	248942
Current Music:	EL PERRO DEL MAR Coming Down the Hill